You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
