this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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