You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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