He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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