tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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