I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
