i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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