So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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