dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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