No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
