The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
