I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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