new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
