Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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