Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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