im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
