mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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