The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
