If that was your dad, he is hot
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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