Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
