you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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