Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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