What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
