sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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