I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
