Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
