My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
