I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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