Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
