I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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