LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
