Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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