I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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