Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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