I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
