She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
