I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
