forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
