She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
