i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
