I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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