Those balls look pretty dangerous.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
