i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
