my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
