I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
