Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
