you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
