i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
