I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
