btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
