I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
