I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
