You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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