he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
