I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize