you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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