Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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