i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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