Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
