i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
