I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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