Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize