She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
