eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
