I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
